Midlife questions: who am I now?

A large study across 145 countries found that, on average, people’s wellbeing is a little lower in midlife than earlier or later in life.

Lachman and colleagues point out that the midlife dip is smaller than it looks on a graph. Averages also hide huge differences between people.

Many people in midlife carry work, money, children, ageing parents and their own health all at the same time. Feeling stretched thin makes sense.

Lachman notes that these turning points happen throughout life, not just in midlife.

As children become teens or leave home, parents and caregivers often have more time and less sense of being needed. Some feel relief, some grief, many both.

You may have reached a goal and found it less satisfying than expected, or feel stuck, or face layoffs. Some people change careers. Others find new meaning in the work they already do.

Long relationships may need refreshing, or may end. Friendships can fade as life gets busy. Others deepen. Many people start dating again in midlife.

Midlife is when some people come out, explore their gender identity, learn they are neurodivergent, or change their beliefs. It can bring relief and also loss.

There is no deadline on becoming more fully yourself.

People who are single, child-free, or whose lives took a different shape can feel left out of midlife stories built around kids and careers. Your questions, losses and joys are just as real.

The average age of menopause in the U.S. is 52. The years leading up to it, called perimenopause, can bring hot flashes, broken sleep and mood changes.

Many men face changes in energy, sleep and health in midlife, and may be slow to get checked.

Trans and nonbinary people deserve midlife health care that is respectful and informed. It’s okay to ask a provider about their experience before you book, or to look for LGBTQ+-friendly clinics.

If a body change is worrying you, a visit to your clinical provider can rule things out or start helpful care. Write your questions down before you go.

When every hour goes to others, the bigger questions can get pushed down for years. Even 10 minutes a week just for you can help you stay in touch with yourself.

Seeing a parent become frail or forgetful can bring grief and also questions about your own ageing. Talking about it with siblings, friends or a counsellor can help.

• Ask siblings or relatives to take on specific tasks
• Let kids help in age-appropriate ways
• Look into local caregiving and respite services
• Say no to one extra commitment this month

Regret about not travelling might point to a love of adventure. Regret about losing touch with a friend might point to how much connection matters. You can often honour that value now, in a new way.

Ask yourself

• “What did I really want back then?”
• “Is there a small way to have some of that now?”
• “What would I tell a friend with this regret?”

Reunions and social media can make it look like everyone else is further ahead. You’re comparing your inside to their outside.

It’s easy to judge your younger self with what you know now. Try speaking to yourself the way you would to someone you love.

Try saying

• “I did the best I could with what I had.”
• “It’s not too late to make some changes.”
• “My life has had good things in it too.”

Lachman sees generativity, caring about and contributing to others, as one of the biggest gains of midlife. Volunteering, community action and mentoring are all examples.

A study using data from the Midlife in the United States (MIDUS) survey found that purpose, a sense of control, optimism, good relationships and regular exercise seemed to protect against stress-related inflammation.

Learning something new, like an instrument or a language, may help keep quick thinking sharp.

Many people find they care less about others’ opinions in midlife, and more about living in line with their own values.

If you’re very stressed or low, big moves like quitting, leaving a relationship or selling a home can be hard to undo. Give yourself time and support before deciding.

Try

• “I’ve been feeling restless. Can we talk about what we both want next?”
• “I don’t have answers yet. I just want you to know where my head is.”

Avoid

• Announcing a big decision with no warning
• “You’re the reason I’m unhappy.”

• Caregiver support groups
• Classes or clubs for a new hobby
• Faith or community groups
• Menopause or men’s groups
• Volunteer projects
• Walking or running groups

Helpful

• “You’ve seemed restless lately. What’s on your mind?”
• “What would you do if you could change one thing?”
• “I’m in your corner, whatever you decide.”

Less helpful

• “Having a midlife crisis, are we?”
• “You should just be grateful.”
• “Everyone feels like that. Get over it.”

If someone seems hopeless or talks about being a burden, ask them kindly and directly if they’re thinking about suicide. Asking does not increase risk. Stay with them and call or text 988 together.

Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, to reach a trained counselor any time, for free.

Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. to reach a trained crisis counselor. Free and confidential.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines by phone, text or chat in many countries. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number.