Big questions: worries about life, death & time

This might be fear of not existing, fear of the dying process, or fear of the people you love dying. It’s one of the most common big worries.

Wondering what life is for, or whether your life matters, is a classic big question. Thinking about it can be healthy. If it leaves you feeling empty most days, that can be a sign of depression.

Birthdays, children growing up, or seeing old photos can bring a jolt of “Where did the time go?” This can come with sadness, pressure to make the most of things, or fear of wasting time.

Having choices can feel freeing, but also heavy. “What if I choose wrong?” “Am I living the life I’m meant to?” These worries can be strongest at turning points.

Feeling disconnected from others is common during an existential crisis.

Sharing these thoughts with someone, even if they can’t give answers, often makes them feel less lonely.

Thinking about the size of the universe or deep time can bring wonder, or it can bring dread. Both reactions are normal.

• Having ageing, ill or dying loved ones
• Having few close friends or family
• Living with other anxiety, phobias or depression
• Living with poor health or a serious illness
• Working in health care or social work and seeing illness or trauma

• Avoiding funerals, hospitals or conversations about death
• Checking your body often for signs of illness
• Lots of online health searching
• Panic or dread when death comes to mind

Avoiding and checking bring short-term relief, but they can keep the fear going over time.

Researchers in Australia have proposed that fear of death may lie underneath many different anxiety-related problems, such as fears about illness, panic or contamination.

This idea is still being tested. It may help explain why some people find one worry is replaced by another.

Fear of loved ones dying is part of death anxiety too. It often grows after a loss, or when someone close is ill.

Mindfulness, anchoring yourself in the present and savouring good moments with all your senses, is one way to cope with existential worry.

Researchers at UC Berkeley report that awe can make time feel like it expands, as your attention settles into the present.

Fear of wasting time can make rest feel guilty. But ordinary moments, like a slow breakfast or a lazy Sunday, are part of a good life, not a waste of it.

Worries about ageing are common. Many older adults also describe more calm and clearer priorities.

Spending time with friends and family, or talking with people who have been through something similar, helps many people through an existential crisis.

Writing down what you’re grateful for can help you see where you want to put your energy.

Investing in work, relationships and other interests means that if one area changes, it doesn’t knock everything over.

Big questions can’t be settled by more searching, more reassurance or more thinking. If you notice yourself going round in circles for hours, gently step away and do something with your hands or body.

Death Cafes are gatherings where people meet over tea and cake to talk about death. Their aim is to help people make the most of their lives. They are discussion groups, not counselling.

Advance care planning means thinking about and sharing your wishes for future medical care, in case you can’t speak for yourself. Many people find that doing this makes the topic feel less frightening.

Religious teachings, philosophy such as Stoicism, poetry and science all offer ways of thinking about death and meaning. Some therapists draw on Stoic ideas to help people who fear not existing.

Many people feel calmer focusing on the kindness they show, the people they love and the difference they make. These things carry on through others.

Cleveland Clinic suggests treating an existential crisis as a chance to make changes that improve your wellbeing. If no benefit is visible yet, you can look for one you could build.

Preschoolers often think death is temporary. Most children understand death by about ages 5 to 7, though they may still find it hard to accept. Teens understand it like adults but may not want to talk.

Avoid phrases like “Grandpa went to sleep”, which can make young children afraid of bedtime. Say plainly that the person died and won’t be seen again.

Expect the same questions many times. Listening matters more than perfect words.

The AAP suggests acknowledging that everything alive dies someday, while reassuring your child that you’re healthy and expect to be around for a long time, and inviting them to talk when they feel scared.

• “At least…”
• “Be brave.”
• “I know just how you feel.”
• “You’ll feel better soon.”

Helpful

• “That’s a big thing to carry. Want to talk about it?”
• “I think about that sometimes too.”
• “I don’t have answers, but I’m here.”

Less helpful

• “Don’t be morbid.”
• “Just don’t think about it.”
• “You’re overthinking.”

Being with someone in an ordinary, calm moment can bring comfort when their mind is in huge, abstract places.

Thinking about death is different from wanting to die. If someone says they wish they weren’t here, ask them kindly and directly if they’re thinking about suicide. Asking does not increase risk. Stay with them and call or text 988 together.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help you change unhelpful beliefs about death. Exposure therapy gently and gradually helps you face what you’ve been avoiding, like writing a will or visiting a hospital.

For people with serious illness, a seven-session meaning-centred therapy improved sense of meaning, spiritual wellbeing and quality of life in a trial of 321 people with advanced cancer.

Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, to reach a trained counselor any time, for free. Any kind of emotional distress is a reason to reach out.

Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. to reach a trained crisis counselor. Free and confidential.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines by phone, text or chat in many countries. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number.