How men grieve

Taking care of others after a death is a real act of love. But you are grieving too. Being strong can include letting someone else carry part of the load for a while.

For most people, grief eases between 6 months and 2 years after the loss. It often comes in waves, with hard days around birthdays, holidays and anniversaries.

People may ask a man how his wife, mum or kids are coping, and forget to ask about him. Men tend to have less social support after a loss, which can make grief harder.

It is OK to say it out loud: “I’m struggling with this too.”

Anger is a very common part of grief. It can feel safer than sadness, because it feels like doing something.

Healthier outlets

• Hard exercise, like a run, lifting or a punch bag
• Saying it out loud to someone who can take it
• Writing it down, then tearing it up
• Taking a time-out before a conversation turns into a fight

Channelling grief into tasks is a recognised way of grieving, not a failure to grieve.

It can become a problem if busyness means you never let the loss in at all, for months on end. Building in a little quiet time, even ten minutes, gives grief somewhere to go.

Numbness is common, especially early on or after a sudden loss. It is the mind’s way of letting the loss in slowly. It usually lifts with time.

NIMH lists misuse of alcohol or drugs among signs of a mental health concern in men. A drink can dull the pain for a night, but it tends to make sleep, mood and grief harder over time.

Loss is an extreme stressor. It can cause fatigue, headaches, nausea and sleep problems, and can weaken the immune system so you get sick more easily.

Some time alone is healthy. Long stretches of isolation can make grief heavier. Lacking social support raises the chance of having trouble coping with a loss.

People who grieve this way often put grief into action: building, fixing, organising, raising money, or working hard in someone’s memory.

Ideas

• Fix up or finish something that belonged to them
• Plant a tree or build a bench in their memory
• Raise money for a cause they cared about
• Run, ride or walk an event in their name
• Take on a skill or tradition they loved

People who grieve this way often need to talk, cry and share stories. This is just as valid for a man as for anyone else.

A well-known grief model describes people moving back and forth between facing the loss and getting on with daily life. Both are part of healthy grieving.

So going back to work, watching the game or laughing with friends doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring. It is part of how grief works.

Different styles can cause friction. Someone who grieves through action may feel uneasy with tears, and someone who grieves through feelings may think the other doesn’t care.

Naming it can help: “I deal with it by doing things. It doesn’t mean I’m not hurting.”

Dads and partners grieve pregnancy and baby loss too, often while trying to stay strong for their partner. Your grief is real, whatever stage the loss happened.

Work may give time off for family deaths but not for a friend. Yet for many men, a close mate is one of the only people they really open up to.

Grief experts use the idea of disenfranchised grief to support overlooked groups, including people in LGBTQ+ communities.

If your relationship wasn’t fully accepted by family, you may have been left out of decisions or the funeral. Finding people who honour your loss matters.

Losses like these can bring shock, guilt and questions without answers. You are not alone, and support groups exist for people who have lost someone this way.

Grieving a pet is normal and real. Some men feel freer to cry over a pet than over anything else, and that is OK too.

Grief is not only about death. Divorce, losing a career, an injury that ends a sport you loved, or seeing your kids less can all bring real grief.

For many men, their partner was the person who kept up friendships, family contact and plans. After she or he dies, a man’s social world can shrink fast.

Small steps

• Say yes to one invitation a week
• Keep one regular plan, like a weekly coffee or game
• Call one old friend you’ve lost touch with
• Join a group, class or men’s shed

• Eat regular meals, even simple ones
• Keep your doctor’s appointments and tell them about the loss
• Try for 7–8 hours of sleep, with steady bed and wake times
• Get outside and move every day

Many men find evenings and weekends the hardest, when the house is quiet and routines are gone. Planning something small for those times can help.

In a 2012 study of 1,985 heart attack survivors, the risk of a heart attack was about 21 times higher in the 24 hours after the death of someone significant. The risk dropped steadily each day after that.

The extra danger was greatest for people who already had heart risks. Even so, the chance for any one person stays small. This is a reason for care, not fear.

Grief can cause trouble sleeping, or sleeping too much, and can weaken the immune system.

A check-up after a big loss is a smart move, especially if you have heart problems, high blood pressure or diabetes. For anything medical, consult your clinical provider.

Talking about the person you lost while doing something together can feel easier than a face-to-face talk. Telling stories about them is a good place to start.

Research suggests rituals can ease grief, even simple personal ones.

Ideas

• Cook their favourite meal on their birthday
• Visit a place you shared
• Wear something of theirs
• Raise a glass, or a coffee, on the anniversary

Writing a letter to the person who died, saying what you didn’t get to say, can help. No one else ever has to read it.

A grief group lets you be with people who understand without needing it explained. Men’s Sheds offer a space for men to work on projects side by side, and many men find that talk comes more easily there.

AFSP lists support groups in the U.S. and abroad for people who have lost someone to suicide.

Free, confidential, 24/7 support in the U.S. by call, text or chat. Press 2 for Spanish. Veterans can press 1, or text 838255.

Free, confidential, 24/7 support by text from anywhere in the U.S.