Men & emotions: more than anger

Most men can remember a moment when showing hurt or fear got them laughed at, shut down or told to “toughen up”. One moment like that can teach a lesson that lasts decades.

Common sources

• Coaches and sports culture
• Films, games and online influencers
• Friends and older boys
• Parents and relatives, often passing on what they were taught

The APA notes that boys who show feelings seen as “not masculine”, like crying, can face harsh reactions and pressure to fit in.

If showing fear got you picked on, keeping a straight face was smart. If home was chaotic, staying calm and quiet may have protected you.

The trouble is that a rule that worked at 12 can get in the way at 35, with a partner, your kids or your own health.

The APA notes that traits linked with being a man, like courage, leadership and compassion, are often linked with good mental health. Staying steady in a crisis is valuable.

The goal isn’t to stop being steady. It’s to be steady and still know what you feel, so you can choose what to do with it.

Anger is a real feeling with a real message. But it often arrives fast and stands in front of something softer: feeling disrespected, scared, embarrassed, helpless or hurt.

Ask yourself

• What happened just before I got angry?
• If I couldn’t be angry, what would I feel?
• Is this about now, or about something older?

NIMH lists feeling flat, or having trouble feeling positive emotions, among signs men may notice. Numb is not the same as fine. It can be what happens when feelings are pushed down for a long time.

Humour is a great way to bond and get through hard days. It becomes a shield when every serious moment gets a joke, so nobody, including you, ever gets to the real thing.

Notice

• Do I joke right when something hurts?
• Do friends ever get a straight answer from me?
• Does the joke make me feel better, or just end the topic?

Keeping busy can be healthy. It turns into avoidance when the feelings rush in the moment you stop: on weekends, on holidays, or lying awake at night.

A sign to watch is feeling restless or low whenever there’s nothing to do.

NIMH notes that using alcohol or drugs more can be a sign a man is struggling. It can work for an evening, but it doesn’t deal with the feeling, and it tends to make mood and sleep worse.

NIMH lists aches, headaches and stomach trouble without a clear cause among signs that can show up in men. Feelings you don’t notice in your head often show up in your body first.

Your body can be a useful early-warning system. A tight jaw or clenched fists often show up before you’d call yourself “stressed”.

The APA links narrow, rigid ideas of masculinity with a range of health problems in men, and with men being less likely to seek help when they need it.

Getting feelings out, through talking, writing or moving, gives stress a way to leave rather than build up.

Partners often say the hardest part isn’t a man’s bad mood. It’s not knowing what’s going on, and feeling shut out.

When you share even a little, like “I’m worried about work, it’s not you”, the people around you can stop guessing and start helping.

In a survey of 581 UK men, those who found it harder to identify and describe their feelings had more negative views of getting professional help.

That’s good news in disguise: getting better at naming feelings can also make reaching out feel more doable.

1. Stop for 30 seconds.
2. Scan from your head down: jaw, shoulders, chest, stomach, hands.
3. Notice anything tight, heavy, hot, fluttery or hollow.
4. Ask: if that had a name, what would it be?

A tight chest might be worry. A heavy body might be sadness or exhaustion. A hot face might be anger or embarrassment.

Try these instead

• Disappointed, let down
• Disrespected, overlooked
• Embarrassed, ashamed
• Guilty, regretful
• Helpless, stuck
• Lonely, left out
• Overwhelmed, stretched
• Proud, relieved
• Scared, uneasy
• Sad, gutted

Rating a feeling from 0 to 10 can feel more natural than describing it. It also helps you notice when it’s climbing, before it boils over.

It works with partners and friends too: “Work stress is at an 8 tonight, so I might be quiet.”

You can be proud of your kid and sad they’re growing up. Angry at your dad and still miss him. Relieved about a job and scared of it.

Mixed feelings aren’t confusion. They’re usually a sign something matters to you.

Physical activity is one of the most natural outlets. Try saying the feeling to yourself as you go: “I’m gutted about this.” Movement plus a name works better than movement alone.

1. Breathe in through your nose for about 4.
2. Breathe out slowly through your mouth for about 6.
3. Repeat for a minute or two.
4. Then ask: what am I feeling, and what do I need?

Writing lets you get it out without anyone watching. Try three lines: what happened, what I felt, what I need.

Nobody needs to read it. You can delete it afterwards. The point is getting it out of your head.

Many men open up more in the car, on a walk, fishing or fixing something than sitting face to face.

Plenty of men haven’t cried in years and feel awkward when it happens. It isn’t breaking down. It’s often a sign something big is finally being let out.

If tears come at odd moments, like during a film or a song, that can be stored-up feeling looking for a way out.

Feeling something strongly doesn’t mean you have to act on it right away. Saying “I need ten minutes” is a strong move, not a weak one.

Good pause lines

• “I’m too wound up to talk well right now. Can we pick this up after dinner?”
• “Give me a minute. I want to answer this properly.”
• “I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back.”

The APA notes research linking racial discrimination to depression in Black men, and that this link was best explained by pressure to hold feelings in and rely only on yourself.

Many Black men describe having to stay calm and controlled in public to stay safe. Having at least one place where you don’t have to hold it together matters.

The APA describes research in which conflict about male roles was linked with lower life satisfaction among Latino day labourers.

Values like caring for family and loyalty are real strengths. They can also make it feel selfish to admit you’re struggling. Looking after yourself is part of looking after them.

Research on “minority stress” shows that prejudice, rejection and having to hide who you are add stress that can affect mental health.

Men who spent years watching how they talked or moved may have learned to watch their feelings closely too. Spaces where you can be fully yourself help.

Trans men may feel pressure to prove their manhood by hiding feelings. Others feel freer to define masculinity in their own way. Both are real experiences.

Being able to talk with people who accept you as you are, friends, a group or an affirming therapist, can make it much easier to be honest about what you feel.

Many older men grew up when “keep it to yourself” was the norm. Retirement, health changes and loss of friends can bring up feelings they’ve never had words for.

It is never too late to start. Talking with a doctor, a grandchild or a group of men your age can be a good first step.

Try saying

• “I’m in a bad headspace. It’s not you.”
• “I don’t need you to fix it. I just want you to know.”
• “I’m worried about money and I’ve been keeping it in.”
• “Can we talk about this on a walk later?”

If arguments often end with one of you shutting down, a couples counselor can help you both learn new ways through.

The APA notes that when fathers are involved, teens tend to do better, including fewer depressive symptoms and higher self-esteem.

Small ways to model it

• Name your own feelings out loud: “I’m frustrated, so I’m taking a minute.”
• Let sons cry without “big boys don’t cry”
• Ask “What was the best and worst part of your day?”
• Say sorry when you lose your temper, and say what you’ll do next time

1. Give it time to cool down.
2. Own your part, without “but”.
3. Name what was underneath: “I was scared about the bills and took it out on you.”
4. Say what you’ll try next time.
5. Ask how it was for them, and listen.

• “You’ve seemed wound up since the job news. How’s that sitting with you?”
• “What’s been the hardest part of this week?”
• “If you had to give today a number out of 10, what would it be?”
• “You don’t have to talk. I just noticed you seem off.”

Try to

• Listen more than you talk
• Thank him for telling you
• Hold back on fixing unless he asks
• Keep it private

Try to avoid

• Joking it away
• Bringing it up later in an argument
• “Man up” or “other people have it worse”
• Making it about your own feelings straight away

Keep the door open. A text later, “That chat meant a lot, I’m here anytime”, can matter more than the conversation itself.

Tell your doctor about mood and stress as well as physical symptoms. They can check for physical causes and refer you to a therapist.

FindTreatment.gov is SAMHSA’s free, confidential locator for mental health and substance use services.

It’s fine to ask for a therapist who is a man, or who shares your background, if that would help you open up.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines by country, by phone, text or chat.