Safety planning & leaving

If you live with someone who is abusive, it can help to think ahead about where you would go if things got scary.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Know which rooms have a way out, and are away from weapons
• Move to a safer area if an argument starts
• Keep a phone where you can reach it, if safe
• Practice getting out safely, if possible

Tell one or two trusted people what is going on. Agree on a signal, like a word or a sign, that means “I need help” or “call for help”.

Be clear with them about who they should and should not contact if something happens.

Talk with children about how to get help. Tell them not to get involved in the violence, and agree on a signal for when to get help or leave.

The Children & domestic violence guide has a full section on safety planning with children.

Leaving can be the most dangerous time, so planning with an advocate matters. Some people prepare believable reasons to leave the house at different times of day.

Things to think about

• Keeping a private record of abuse (dates and what happened)
• Copies of important documents with someone you trust
• A plan for lost or taken phones, keys, money or ID
• Where you could go, like a friend’s home or a shelter

Phones and computers can be monitored without you knowing. They can show your location, habits, calls and texts. Hidden GPS trackers can even be placed in a car or bag.

Tips from the Hotline

• Use a safer device, like a library or work computer, to look up housing, legal help or safety plans
• Consider a separate email account your partner doesn’t know about
• Protect your phone with a passcode and change it often
• Know that private or incognito browsing does not fully hide your history
• If you think there is spyware, a phone service center may be able to check

If someone seems to know too much about where you go or what you say, trust that feeling. NNEDV suggests looking at the pattern of what they know.

Clues to think about

• They only know what happens in one room: something in that room may be listening or watching
• They only follow you when you drive: something may be in or linked to the car
• They seem to know where you are everywhere: it may be something you carry, like your phone
• Apps you do not recognize, or your phone suddenly using much more data

Many normal features share your location, like map apps, photo settings, “find my phone” tools and family locator services. NNEDV notes that abusers may misuse these built-in tools, not just secret apps.

Places to check

• Location settings on your phone and in each app
• Shared accounts, like a family phone plan (you can ask the phone company what is turned on)
• Car services, like roadside assistance or connected-car apps
• A hidden tracker in a car or bag, which police, a private investigator or a mechanic may be able to look for

Stalkerware, also called spyware, is a program or device that lets someone secretly monitor another person’s phone or computer. It is made to stay hidden, so it is often hard to find and remove.

If you suspect it, trust your instincts and use a safer device for anything private, including searching for help. Talking with an advocate, and in some cases the police, can help you decide what to do next.

If you think someone is getting into your email, social media or cloud storage, NNEDV suggests changing usernames and passwords from a safer device, then not logging in on the watched device afterwards.

Tips

• Use a new password for each account, not one you have used before
• Consider new accounts with names that do not identify you
• Do not link new accounts to old accounts or old phone numbers
• Turn on two-step login where you can

It is natural to want to rip out a tracker or delete a spy app right away. NNEDV warns that some abusers escalate when they feel they have lost access. Before removing a camera, tracker or app, think through how they might react, and plan for your safety first.

Some survivors keep using the watched device for everyday things, so nothing looks different, while using a safer device for private plans.

A series of written-down incidents can show police or a court a pattern, and show whether things are getting worse. NNEDV suggests saving content before you report it to a platform, because removal can erase it.

Tips from NNEDV

• Write down the date, time, where it happened (like a link) and the technology used
• Take screenshots, and include the contact page so messages can be linked to a number
• Some apps tell the other person when you screenshot, so check first, or photograph the screen with another device
• Do not delete messages, even upsetting ones
• Store copies somewhere the abuser cannot reach

The “Incident notes” worksheet can help, but only if this phone is safe.

OWH suggests talking only with people who will keep it private.

People who may help

• Your doctor or nurse, ideally when your partner is not in the room
• A school counselor
• Human resources or an Employee Assistance Program at work
• Trusted family or friends
• An advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline

Some preparations can be made over time, without anything looking different at home.

Ideas from OWH

• Agree on a code word and a secret pickup place with someone you trust
• Memorize important phone numbers in case your phone is taken
• Hide a spare set of car keys
• Keep copies of important papers outside the home, or as digital copies on a small USB drive
• If you are in immediate danger, leave without these things

The “Important documents checklist” worksheet has a checklist to work through, if this phone is safe.

OWH warns that calls from a home or shared phone may be traced, and that anyone with access to your device can see the sites you visit. A prepaid phone is one option, and some shelters offer free phones.

Keep access to important online accounts, like bank and benefits accounts, so you can still get your records. See “Tech safety in depth” for more.

Domestic violence shelters are usually kept confidential, and you do not need money to stay. Many can even help pay for transportation to get there.

What shelters often offer

• A safe bed, food and basic items
• Child care, and help getting children into school
• Counseling and support groups
• Legal help, job training and help applying for financial aid
• Help finding longer-term housing

Shelter stays are usually short. Advocates can help you find space: the Hotline’s website also lists free, real-time shelter bed availability.

After a shelter, many survivors move into transitional housing. OWH describes this as usually being independent apartments with support like counseling, job training, legal help and child care, plus help finding affordable permanent housing.

This matters, because OWH reports that half of all homeless women and children became homeless while trying to escape intimate partner violence.

An abusive partner may show up at work or school, or keep calling there. Telling a trusted person, like a manager, HR, or a school counselor, can help them plan for your safety there.

OWH notes that many states protect time off for court dates related to abuse, and some protect survivors from discrimination at work. The Workplaces Respond national resource center, supported by the U.S. Department of Justice, has free information for survivors and coworkers.

From OWH’s packing list

• Birth certificates
• Passports or immigration papers
• Social Security cards
• Any protection or custody orders

Photos or scans of papers, kept on a small USB drive or with a trusted person, can help if the originals are lost or taken.

From OWH’s packing list

• Bank and investment statements
• Car title or lease papers
• Health insurance cards
• Lease, mortgage statements or deed
• Past two years of tax returns
• A recent credit report
• Retirement plan statements

You can get your free credit reports at AnnualCreditReport.com, the only site the FTC says is authorized to fill those orders. Do it from a safer device.

OWH suggests asking your clinical provider how to get extra supplies of what you or your children need for your health, plus glasses, hearing aids or other must-haves.

Also think about

• A phone charger
• A written list of important numbers and addresses
• Spare keys
• Something comforting for each child

Abusive partners may threaten or hurt pets to keep control. The Hotline suggests planning for your animals as part of your safety plan.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Ask friends, family or your vet about temporary care
• Check whether your state lets pets be included in a protective order
• Look for pet-friendly shelters through the Animal Welfare Institute’s Safe Havens Mapping Project, or ask your local domestic violence or animal shelter
• Pack food, any health supplies and copies of vet records

The Hotline says a gun in the home increases the risk of homicide for women by 500 percent, and that leaving can be especially dangerous when the abusive partner has guns. It does not recommend that survivors buy a gun.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Learn about any guns your partner has, and where they are kept
• Ask whether a protective order can require them to hand over guns
• If there are children, make sure guns and ammunition are stored apart and out of reach
• Plan from a safer device, not a shared one

If someone has ever choked or strangled you, please see a doctor and tell an advocate, even if you feel okay and there are no marks.

Tell the advocate about it when you make your safety plan, so they understand the level of danger.

The Hotline points to a Danger Assessment tool that helps survivors and advocates understand how dangerous a situation may be. An advocate can go through it with you.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Move away from rooms with weapons, or with no way out
• Keep a charged phone nearby, on silent if needed
• Leave if it is safe to do so
• If you are attacked and cannot get away, protect your head and neck
• Call 911 as soon as you can

Depending on state law, an order can require the person to stay away from you and have no contact, including through other people, phone, email or social media.

Other things an order may include

• Staying away from your children and their school, or only supervised visits
• Temporary custody of your children
• Moving out of a shared home
• Paying temporary child support or keeping up rent or mortgage payments
• Handing over guns to police

OWH describes several kinds. Names and lengths vary by state.

Common types

• Emergency order: police may issue this if you are in immediate danger. It usually lasts a few days.
• Temporary order: a judge may issue this until a court hearing, often about 14 days.
• Longer-term order: issued by a judge after a hearing, and it can last several years.
• No-contact order: may be issued when the abuser is charged with a crime.

You can usually apply at a courthouse, a women’s shelter, a lawyer’s office or some police stations. OWH says federal law means you can get a restraining order for free, and you do not need a lawyer, though one can help.

On the forms, you give specific details about when, where and how the abuse happened. Local domestic violence programs can help you fill them in and find free or low-cost legal help.

OWH notes that in family court it can become your word against theirs, unless there are records. Anything that shows what happened can help.

Things people often gather

• Police reports and any records of charges
• Photos of injuries or damaged property, and medical records
• Names of witnesses
• Saved texts, emails, screenshots, voicemails or videos

Only gather these if it is safe. The “Incident notes” worksheet can help you remember details, if this phone is safe.

If the person contacts you or your children, or comes near when they should not, call the police. Officers can arrest someone who breaks the order.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Use a different bank, grocery store or route to work or school
• Avoid traveling alone, and stay in public places when you can
• Share your car details with trusted people
• Ask a neighbor to keep an eye on your home

The Hotline suggests things like deadbolts, window locks, outdoor lighting, and visible cameras or a security system, if you can.

Update school pickup lists and tell your workplace who should not be let in.

After asking someone once to stop contacting you, the Hotline says it is generally safer not to reply, and not to agree to meet in person.

Steps to consider

• Change your phone number or email if needed
• Update privacy and security settings
• Check devices for tracking apps from a safer device
• Know that blocking can sometimes lead to retaliation, so weigh that with an advocate

The Stalking & feeling unsafe guide goes deeper on trackers, spy apps and documenting.

Save texts, emails, voicemails and letters, and write down anything that frightens you. A record can help if you report to police or ask for a protective order.

The Hotline describes emotional safety planning as a way to accept your feelings and decisions, before, during or after leaving.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Break big tasks into small steps
• Create a calm space with things that comfort you
• Lean on a trusted friend to think things through
• Remind yourself that abuse is never your fault
• Take breaks, and be patient with yourself

The Healing after domestic violence guide has much more on recovery.

Free, confidential support by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org. Advocates help with safety plans and local shelters, legal help and counseling. You do not have to give your name.

How to reach them

• Call 1-800-799-7233
• Chat at thehotline.org
• Text START to 88788

The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline, for young people and anyone worried about them. Call, text or chat at loveisrespect.org, 24/7.

Numbers

• StrongHearts Native Helpline: 1-844-762-8483 (call, or text START), 24/7
• The Deaf Hotline (videophone, ASL): 1-855-812-1001, 24/7

Local domestic violence programs can help you fill in protective order forms and find free or low-cost legal help. You do not need a lawyer to ask for a protective order.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free, confidential and open 24/7 by call, text or chat. Crisis Text Line is also free and 24/7: text HOME to 741741.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries, including domestic violence lines. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.