Children & domestic violence

Preschool children may go back to things they had grown out of, like bed-wetting, thumb-sucking or crying a lot. They may have trouble sleeping, seem terrified, or panic when separated from a parent.

What can help

• Calm, predictable routines
• Lots of comfort and closeness
• Simple words: “You are safe with me. It is not your fault.”

School-age children may blame themselves and feel bad about who they are. They may struggle with schoolwork, have fewer friends, get into trouble more, or complain of headaches and stomachaches.

A trusted adult outside the home, like a school counselor, can be a steady support.

Teens may get into fights, skip school, take risks, or use alcohol or drugs. OWH notes that some teens act out more, while others withdraw and become low or depressed.

Talking about what healthy relationships look like, and about boundaries, can help them build safer relationships of their own.

Recovery is different for every child. OWH says a strong support system, healthy friendships and getting help sooner all improve how children do.

Ideas from OWH

• Help them feel safe
• Talk about their fears, and tell them it is not their fault
• Talk about healthy relationships and their right to feel comfortable
• Involve a trusted adult, like a school counselor or therapist
• Consider therapy such as cognitive behavioral therapy, or a kids’ support group at a shelter
• Be careful talking about plans to leave in front of children, since they may repeat it without meaning to

Our Kids’ mental health (ages 0–12) guide has more on supporting young people through hard times.

Many children blame themselves for fights at home. OWH and the Hotline both say to tell children clearly that the violence is not their fault.

Things you could say

• “None of this is your fault.”
• “You are not in trouble.”
• “I love you, no matter what.”
• “It is okay to feel scared, sad or angry.”

The Hotline suggests telling children that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you, and not to get in the middle of the violence.

Children can love a parent and still learn that hurting people is wrong. Say plainly that abuse is never okay, even from someone they love.

OWH suggests also talking about healthy relationships, and teaching children that no one should touch them or make them feel uncomfortable.

OWH says to be careful talking about plans to leave in front of young children, because they may repeat them without meaning to. Share plans only with trusted adults if the abuser could be dangerous.

A grandparent, teacher, coach or school counselor can be a steady support. OWH says a good support system and trusted adults help children recover.

The Hotline suggests picking a code word that means it is time to leave, and telling children not to share what it means with anyone.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Choose a room children can go to when they are afraid, with something calming to focus on
• If possible, have them leave when things start to escalate, and agree where they will go
• Keep them away from rooms with things that could hurt them, like kitchens and bathrooms

Teach children when, how and whom to contact in an emergency, such as trusted relatives, neighbors or 911.

Practice with a pretend call, so they know what to say: their name, address and what is happening.

If children spend time alone with the abusive parent, the Hotline suggests a separate safety plan: where they can reach a phone, whom they can call, how they can leave, and where they can go. If possible, give them a phone for emergencies.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Meet in a public, visible place, like a store or restaurant, not either home
• Bring a trusted friend or relative, or have them do the exchange
• Use school: you drop off in the morning, the other parent picks up
• Plan something calm before, and something nice after, like a trip to the park

OWH says a protective order may include temporary custody, staying away from the children’s school, or only supervised visits, depending on state law.

The Hotline notes there is no way to stop an abusive partner from asking a court for custody, but a custody provision in a protection order can give you time to plan.

Things that can help a custody case

• Dated notes of what happened
• Photos of injuries or damage
• Police reports or earlier court records
• Threatening texts or emails

The “Incident notes” worksheet in the Safety planning & leaving guide can help, if this phone is safe.

The Hotline describes litigation abuse: an abusive ex filing motion after motion, or dragging out hearings, to drain your money and energy. It says these cases are only 3 to 5 percent of custody cases, but nearly all involve a history of domestic violence or sexual abuse.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Document every filing that seems meant to harass
• Ask the court about covering your costs for unnecessary filings
• Ask about attending some hearings virtually
• Ask for security at court, like an escort to your car
• Bring a trusted person for support

OWH says a court can be asked for a custody order that keeps children with you and stops them being taken out of the country. Parents can also enroll children in the State Department’s Passport Issuance Alert Program and give the school copies of any orders.

Many local domestic violence programs can connect you with legal aid or lawyers who understand abuse. Hotline advocates cannot give legal advice, but they can point you to local help.

CDC’s survey of U.S. high school students found that female students reported higher rates of physical and sexual dating violence than male students. LGBTQ students, and students unsure of their identity, reported higher rates than heterosexual students.

About 1 in 12 high school students who dated experienced physical dating violence in the past year, and about 1 in 10 experienced sexual dating violence.

CDC says dating violence can take place in person, online or through technology. Demanding passwords, checking a phone or constant texting to track someone are warning signs.

The Online safety & exploitation guide covers sharing of private images and sextortion.

Ideas from love is respect

• Tell your teen you’re worried about their safety
• Listen more than you talk, without lecturing or accusing
• Don’t minimize it because of their age or how long they have dated
• Respect their choices, even when you disagree, so they keep talking to you
• Get support for yourself from an advocate

CDC says supporting healthy relationships could reduce teen dating violence. Pre-teens and teens can learn skills like managing feelings and communicating in healthy ways. CDC’s Dating Matters program teaches 11 to 14 year olds about safe, healthy relationships.

The Hotline says abuse is never the victim’s fault, and the abusive person alone is responsible for their behavior. It is not caused by anything you did.

You cannot make your parent leave, and you should not have to protect them. Only your parent can decide when to take steps, and leaving can be dangerous, so they may need to plan carefully.

Ideas from the Hotline

• Spend time together and say you care
• Respect it if your parent does not want to talk
• Avoid texting or emailing about the abuse, since it may not be safe
• Make a safety plan with your parent and siblings, away from the abusive parent
• Share the Hotline number when your parent is ready

If the abusive parent hurts you, you have the right to get help. If you are under 18, you can call or text the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453. If you are in danger, call 911.

The Child abuse & neglect guide explains more about getting help as a young person.

Taking care of yourself helps you keep going. A school counselor, a trusted adult or a support group can help. Trust your instincts, and don’t follow any advice that makes you feel unsafe.

Living with fear, or rebuilding after leaving, is exhausting. The Hotline suggests breaking big tasks into small, achievable steps and giving yourself emotional breaks.

Domestic violence programs and shelters often offer counseling and support groups for adults and for children. OWH notes shelters can also help with child care and getting children into school.

The Healing after domestic violence guide has more on your own recovery.

OWH says children may not forget what they saw, but they can learn healthy ways to cope as they grow. Support, healthy friendships and getting help early all improve how children do.

WHO notes that children raised in violent homes are at higher risk of problems later. Risk is not destiny. Your care, and steady routines, are part of what protects them.

Advocates can help you plan for your children’s safety and find local shelters, kids’ counseling and legal help. Chat is also available at thehotline.org.

Advocates talk with teens, young adults and the parents who worry about them, 24/7, by phone, text or chat at loveisrespect.org.

For children, teens and adults worried about child abuse. Childhelp says it is not a reporting line and is not connected to 911, so call 911 in an emergency.

OWH suggests a school counselor or therapist, and support groups for children at shelters. It notes that cognitive behavioral therapy is often recommended for children who have lived through violence. Ask your clinical provider for a referral.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free, confidential and open 24/7 for all ages. Crisis Text Line is free and 24/7: text HOME to 741741. If a life is in danger, call 911.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries, including lines for children and for domestic violence.