Emotional abuse & gaslighting

Abuse between partners is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or keep power and control. Emotional abuse is one of its most common forms.

The Safety planning & leaving guide covers safety planning, leaving safely and healing.

CDC describes emotional abuse of a child as behavior that harms a child’s self-worth or emotional well-being, such as name-calling, shaming, rejecting or withholding love.

The Growing up with an abusive parent guide and the Dealing with difficult family guide look at this in depth.

NIA describes emotional abuse of older adults as hurtful words, yelling, threatening or repeatedly ignoring them. Keeping them from close friends and relatives is also emotional abuse.

The Elder abuse & financial exploitation guide covers signs and reporting.

Put-downs, gaslighting and control can come from a boss, friend, roommate, coach or group leader. The signs in this guide apply to any close relationship.

The Workplace bullying & harassment guide covers work. Faith-based control is covered under “Spiritual & religious abuse” in the Abuse: the basics guide.

Calling you names, insulting you, constantly criticizing you, or humiliating you, especially in front of others, are common forms of emotional abuse.

Being told you are lucky anyone puts up with you, or that you will never find someone better, is part of the same pattern.

Isolating someone from the people in their life makes them easier to control. It can be open, like forbidding visits, or quiet, like sulking every time you see friends.

Signs include needing constant updates on where you are, demanding access to your phone or accounts, and extreme jealousy, including constant accusations of cheating.

Tracking your location or hiding recording devices are forms of monitoring and stalking.

Threatening you, your children, family or pets, or damaging belongings by throwing things or punching walls, is meant to make you afraid.

Some people threaten to harm themselves, or to report you to authorities, to force you to do what they want.

Blaming you for their own abusive behavior is a common tactic. Over time, you may start to believe you cause it.

Giving the silent treatment, belittling, and using lots of gifts or affection to manipulate are all listed as signs of emotional abuse.

Never knowing which version of the person you will get can keep you anxious and trying harder to please.

This can include controlling what you wear, controlling money, getting in the way of work or school, keeping you from a doctor, or making decisions that are yours to make.

The person acts as if they cannot follow what you are saying, or simply refuses to engage. Over time you may stop bringing up your worries at all, because it feels pointless.

It might sound like

• “I don’t want to hear this again.”
• “You’re not making any sense.”

The person argues with your memory of events, even when you remember clearly. Hearing this again and again can make you feel like you cannot trust your own mind.

It might sound like

• “That’s not what happened at all.”
• “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”

Instead of answering your concern, the person changes the topic or questions why you would even think that. The real issue never gets talked about.

It might sound like

• “Did your friend put that idea in your head?”
• “You’re imagining things.”

Your feelings are brushed aside as silly or too much. Over time you may stop sharing them, or feel ashamed of having needs at all.

It might sound like

• “You’re overreacting, as usual.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”

The person says they do not remember something that happened, or denies a promise they made. You end up wondering if you made it up.

It might sound like

• “I never said that.”
• “You’re just making stuff up.”

“Narcissistic abuse” is a phrase many people use online to describe being hurt by someone who seems self-centered, controlling and lacking in empathy. It is not a medical or legal term. What people usually describe is emotional abuse: gaslighting, constant criticism, control, and swinging between affection and coldness.

Patterns people often describe

• Being cut off from friends and family
• Constant put-downs, blame and moving goalposts
• Gaslighting: being told your memory or feelings are wrong
• Lots of attention and praise early on, then criticism and coldness
• Never knowing which version of the person you’ll get

Only a professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, and Cleveland Clinic cautions against labeling people “narcissists.” Having narcissistic traits doesn’t automatically mean someone is abusive, and abuse doesn’t need a diagnosis to be real. What matters is the behavior and its effect on you.

This can mean rules about where you go and who you see, punishments when the rules are broken, being denied basic needs, or having travel and movement restricted.

Financial abuse includes restricting access to money, stopping someone from working or studying, and taking on debts in their name.

The “Domestic violence: the basics” guide has a full section on money control and independence.

Excessive messaging, getting into someone’s accounts, tracking their location and hiding recording devices are all ways of monitoring and control.

The Safety planning & leaving guide covers tech safety. The Stalking & feeling unsafe guide covers being followed or watched.

Controlling people may use a parent’s bond with a child, threaten or harm pets, or misuse police, child protection, health or immigration services to harass someone or make them distrust help.

Stopping someone from practicing their culture or faith, speaking their language or staying in touch with their community is a form of control.

It often looks like

• Apologies that come with real change
• Both people’s feelings count
• Disagreements that get resolved, or at least calm down
• You can say no without fear
• You keep your own friends, money and choices

Poor communication, sulking, or harsh words in a fight are unhealthy. When both people own their part and work on it, things can improve, sometimes with help like couples or family counseling.

Abuse is centered on power and control, and people who abuse are unlikely to change their behavior on their own. Your safety comes first.

Questions to ask yourself

• Am I afraid of how they will react?
• Do I change what I say or do to avoid upsetting them?
• Do I feel worse about myself than I used to?
• Have I been cut off from people I care about?

The Hotline does not urge couples counseling when one partner is abusive. What is said in sessions can be used against the other partner, and it can suggest both share the blame. An advocate can help you think it through.

Hearing criticism day after day can make it feel true. Many survivors say the hardest part was losing their sense of who they were.

Changing your behavior to avoid upsetting someone is a common effect of emotional abuse. It can leave you tense, tired and on alert even when they are not around.

Emotional abuse is one of the four common types of child abuse. Children who are blamed, belittled or rejected may show extremes in behavior, delays in development, or signs of depression.

See the Child abuse & neglect guide for signs and how to help.

Long-term abuse can contribute to chronic pain as well as depression and anxiety. Some people notice sleep problems, headaches or stomach trouble. For anything medical, talk with your clinical provider.

A boundary is about what you will do, not about controlling the other person. For example: “If you shout at me, I will end the call.”

Some people limit contact, and some end the relationship. Both are valid. With a partner, leaving can bring new risks, so it helps to plan with an advocate.

The Safety planning & leaving guide covers leaving safely. The Low contact & no contact guide covers distance from family.

Write down what happens and who saw it. A manager, human resources, student services or union may be able to help. The Workplace bullying & harassment guide goes further.

A therapist, trusted friend, family member or shelter advocate can help you make sense of what happened. Look for someone who understands abuse and trauma.

Some people find it grounding to write down what happened, with the date. Looking back can show the pattern clearly, and remind you that your memory works.

Isolation is a common part of emotional abuse. Reaching back out to friends, family, faith or community can feel awkward at first. Many people are glad to hear from you.

Notice when old put-downs play in your head. Try answering them the way a good friend would. “I made a mistake” is different from “I am worthless.”

Call 911 if someone is being hurt or threatened right now.

Free, confidential support by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org, for anyone worried about a relationship, including friends and family.

For children, teens and adults worried about child abuse, by phone, text or chat. It is not a reporting line, but counselors can help with next steps.

Connects you with Adult Protective Services and local help for older adults. Online at eldercare.acl.gov.

988 is free, confidential and open 24/7. You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach a crisis counselor.

Choose your country and a topic to see local helplines. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.