Forced marriage

In a consensual arranged marriage, parents, relatives or matchmakers may suggest someone. You can meet them, take your time, ask questions and say no without being punished.

Signs your choice is respected

• You can say “no” or “not yet” and that is accepted
• You can take time to get to know the person
• Your education, work and friendships are not taken away
• You are not threatened, watched or cut off

In a forced marriage, one or both people feel powerless to decide because of pressure, threats, tricks or abuse. USCIS notes it may involve someone feeling they did not have a choice about whom or when to marry.

Forced marriage is recognised as a human rights violation. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights says marriage should happen only with the free and full consent of both people.

Sometimes nobody uses open threats, but the pressure is so heavy that saying no feels impossible. Fear of shaming your family, losing your home or being cut off can make a “yes” that isn’t really free.

Questions to ask yourself

• If I said no, what would happen to me?
• Am I agreeing because I want to, or because I’m scared?
• Do I feel I could change my mind?
• Is anyone controlling my phone, money or documents?

It can sound like

• “You’ll bring shame on the family.”
• “Your mother will be heartbroken.”
• “We’ve already given our word.”
• “No one else will want you.”

Fear of being cut off from family if you refuse is one of the warning signs USCIS lists.

USCIS lists having your travel documents, ID, phone or money taken away, and being closely watched, as warning signs of forced marriage.

Examples

• Being kept home from school, college or work
• Being taken somewhere and not allowed to leave
• Someone checking your messages and calls
• Your passport or ID being “kept safe” by others

Some people are threatened with violence, being thrown out, or harm to others. Forced marriage situations can also involve other abuses, such as domestic violence or being denied an education.

Some people are told they are going on a trip, to visit a sick relative or to attend a wedding, and only learn on arrival that the wedding is theirs. Fraud is one of the elements of forced marriage.

Many people facing a forced marriage still love their families and don’t want to hurt or shame them. They may feel trapped, anxious, hopeless or numb. Some feel they have no right to say no.

Common feelings

• Anger and confusion
• Fear about the future
• Grief for the life you imagined
• Guilt for “letting people down”
• Loneliness, even surrounded by family
• Numbness or feeling far away

Living under ongoing pressure keeps the body on high alert. Trouble sleeping, eating or concentrating, feeling jumpy, and feeling down are common responses to that kind of stress.

Small ways to steady yourself

• Keep a regular sleep and meal time where you can
• Notice five things you can see and hear when panic rises
• Slow your breathing out, longer than in
• Spend a few minutes outside each day if it’s safe

A 2022 review of 21 studies in 12 countries found that child marriage is linked with emotional distress and mental health conditions. Depression was the most often reported. Partner violence, poverty, hard births and isolation all added to the distress.

UNICEF notes that girls married as children are often cut off from family and friends, which takes a heavy toll on their mental health.

Some people under this kind of pressure feel there is no way out. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, you deserve support right now.

UNFPA estimates that 640 million girls and women alive today were married in childhood, and that about 12 million girls are married before 18 each year.

The share has fallen: around 2000, about one in three women aged 20 to 24 had been married as children; by 2021 it was about one in five. But it is still widespread.

State marriage records show that between 2000 and 2015, at least 207,468 minors were married in the U.S. Tahirih notes that many of these marriages were likely forced.

Laws differ by state. In 2016 Virginia became the first state to limit marriage to legal adults, and a growing number of states have since passed laws to end or limit child marriage.

Harms linked with child marriage in the U.S.

• Greater risk of poverty
• Greater risk of sexual and domestic violence
• Higher school drop-out rates
• More medical and mental health problems
• Divorce rates as high as 80%

Worldwide, girls who marry before 18 are less likely to stay in school and more likely to experience domestic violence.

The Forced Marriage Initiative and Unchained At Last both help young people facing pressure to marry. A school counselor, teacher or nurse can also help you find support.

Tahirih’s safety advice says that even at the airport you may still be able to avoid travelling, for example by quietly asking airport security for help, or by planning with an advocate how to leave safely.

Before you go

• Bring some cash and keep it hidden
• Give a trusted person your flight details, where you’ll stay and your return date
• If you are a U.S. citizen, sign up for the State Department’s Smart Traveler Enrollment Program (STEP) from a safe device
• Photograph your passport and save it somewhere secure, like a private email account
• Write key phone numbers on paper, in case your phone is taken

Agree a code word with your advocate or trusted person, so others can’t pretend to be you. Set a check-in schedule, and agree what they should do if they don’t hear from you, for example after 48 hours.

U.S. citizens facing a forced marriage abroad can contact the nearest U.S. embassy or consulate. If you can’t reach them, call the State Department: 1-888-407-4747 from the U.S. or Canada, or +1-202-501-4444 from other countries.

The UK Forced Marriage Unit can help British nationals abroad and people in the UK worried about someone who has been taken overseas.

Tips from Tahirih

• Consider a prepaid phone, or computers at a library or school
• Create a new email account no one else knows about
• Don’t use shared family devices or family phone plans
• Use only a device you alone control

If it’s safe to do

• Keep a copy or photo of your ID and passport in a private account
• Save a little money where others can’t reach it
• Write important phone numbers on paper
• Know where your birth certificate and other papers are

Think of people who could help: a teacher, school counselor, nurse, coworker, friend or faith leader you trust. Tell them only as much as feels safe.

People facing forced marriage may be able to get emergency housing, safety planning, legal aid and protection orders.

Advocates can help connect you with local emergency shelter, legal services and counseling, whatever your immigration status.

Depending on the situation, people forced into marriage may be able to seek protection orders, annulment, separation, divorce or custody orders.

Unchained At Last offers free legal help for things like divorce, custody, immigration and name changes, as well as help with escape plans and counseling.

Forced marriage can come with domestic violence and sexual abuse. You deserve to be safe at home.

People who leave or resist a forced marriage may lose contact with family and community. Grief, loneliness and guilt can be heavy, even when you know you made the right choice for yourself.

Things that help

• A therapist who respects your culture and faith
• Building a new “chosen family” of friends
• Holding on to the parts of your culture and faith that feel like yours
• Survivor groups and mentors

It is common to miss parents, siblings or a whole community, even after they pressured you. Love and hurt can live side by side.

Gentle ideas

• Let yourself grieve, without deciding the future of every relationship now
• Mark special days in your own way
• Write a letter you don’t send
• Keep traditions that bring you comfort

Wanting a good future for your child is loving. Making sure the final choice of whether, when and whom to marry stays with them is what keeps an arranged marriage from becoming a forced one.

Ways to support your child

• Accept “no” and “not yet” without punishment
• Ask what they want, and really listen
• Keep their education and friendships open
• Never take their phone, ID or money to control them

Faith leaders are often among the first people families turn to. They can remind families of the human right to free and full consent, and be a safe person for young people to talk to.

Teachers, nurses, social workers and advocates may notice sudden absence, an unexplained “long holiday”, or a young person who seems watched or frightened. The Forced Marriage Initiative also advises service providers across the country.

Ideas for communities

• Invite advocates to speak at community or youth events
• Celebrate couples who chose each other freely
• Make it normal to talk about consent and choice
• Share helpline information in many languages

Do

• Keep what they tell you private
• Listen calmly and believe them
• Respect their choices and pace
• Share the Forced Marriage Initiative or Unchained At Last contacts

Don’t

• Contact their family to “talk it out”: it can put them in danger
• Judge their culture, religion or family
• Push them to act before they’re ready

You could say

• “I believe you.”
• “You have the right to choose.”
• “You’re not betraying your family by wanting this choice.”
• “Let’s find someone who knows how to help.”

You can offer to

• Help them find a safe device to contact an advocate
• Keep a copy of their documents or a bag safe, if they ask
• Be their emergency contact
• Note any travel dates they mention

If someone is in immediate danger in the U.S., call 911. If you think a U.S. citizen has been taken abroad to be married, the U.S. embassy or the State Department can be contacted.

In the UK, the Forced Marriage Unit can contact the relevant embassy if someone you know has been taken abroad.