Being a grandparent: joy, boundaries & connection

Feelings many grandparents describe

• Feeling suddenly “old”
• Grief that a parent or partner is not here to meet the baby
• Joy and a rush of love
• Regret or pride about how you raised your own children
• Worry about the world your grandchild will grow up in

AARP research found many grandparenting styles. Some grandparents are mainly “guiding teachers” (18%), some focus on sharing traditions (16%), and some are “all-in” and involved in everything (14%). Others are easygoing, or focus on passing down family stories and values.

Many people become grandparents through remarriage, adoption or chosen family. These bonds can be just as close, though they may take time and patience to grow.

One study of teens in England and Wales found grandparent involvement was linked to fewer emotional problems, and the link was strongest in single-parent and step-families.

Most grandparents still go by “grandma” or “grandpa”, but AARP found about 1 in 20 prefers their first name. Many families use names from their culture or language.

Grandparents describe themselves as offering a “moral compass” and emotional and social support (AARP). Involved grandparents were linked with fewer emotional problems and more helpful behaviour in teens.

What you can offer

• Family stories and history
• Patience and time that busy parents may not have
• A calm, non-judging ear
• Skills, like cooking, fixing or gardening
• Traditions, faith and language

A long U.S. study followed grandparents and adult grandchildren for nearly 20 years. Feeling emotionally close was linked to fewer depressive symptoms for both generations.

In a study of older adults in Berlin, grandparenting and helping others were linked to living longer, partly because helpers tended to stay in better health.

A review of 117 studies found the most positive results among grandparents involved with grandchildren who did not live with them. Raising grandchildren full-time was more often linked to poorer health or wellbeing for grandparents.

Another review found that occasional or part-time care tended to be good for grandparents in many countries, while very heavy care could strain them.

Ways to share what you know

• “Would it help if I shared what worked for us?”
• “That is a new way of doing it. Tell me how it works.”
• “You know your child best.”

The U.S. Safe to Sleep campaign asks all caregivers, including grandparents, to learn current safe sleep advice. Babies should sleep on their backs for every nap and at night, on a firm, flat surface with only a fitted sheet, and with no pillows, blankets, bumpers or toys.

It also lists a baby sharing a bed with a grandparent or other non-parent caregiver as high risk.

• Save real worries for safety, not style
• Talk to your own child privately, not in front of the grandchildren
• Start with care: “I love you all, and I am worried about…”
• Listen to their reasons before giving yours
• Accept that they may still choose differently

Many families agree that grandparents can have their own small treats and traditions, while keeping the parents’ big rules on safety, bedtimes and values.

Research suggests the amount of care matters. Occasional or part-time care often goes well for grandparents, while very heavy care can wear them down.

Things you might protect

• Your own health appointments and exercise
• Time with your partner and friends
• Rest days after busy days
• Your volunteering, faith or hobbies

Helping with costs can feel good, but it should not put your own security at risk. A Pew survey found far fewer Americans think parents are responsible for helping adult children financially (31%) than think adult children are responsible for helping older parents (55%).

Grandchildren who live nearby may see more of you than those far away. Children notice gifts and attention. Small, regular contact with each one helps everyone feel special.

Words you could use

• “I can’t do every Friday, but I would love to do every other Friday.”
• “I need to rest this week. Can we plan for next week?”
• “I am not able to help with money right now, but I can help with pickups.”

• Days and hours you can do
• Meals, naps, screens and discipline
• Who pays for food, outings and supplies
• What happens if you are ill or need a break
• A time to review how it is going

• Follow current safe sleep advice for babies
• Make sure car seats are fitted the way the parents use them
• Store anything that could harm a child up high or locked away
• Keep emergency numbers and the parents’ contacts handy

Safe to Sleep also reminds caregivers never to leave a baby alone in a vehicle, whatever the weather.

A large review found mixed results for grandparents living in three-generation homes: some studies showed benefits and others showed strain.

What can help

• A private space of your own, even a small one
• Clear roles: who decides what
• Regular family meetings
• Time out of the house with your own friends

If you feel worn out, irritable or low most of the time, it may be time to cut back or share the load. That is a sign of care for yourself and the family, not failure.

• Read the same favourite books again and again
• Sing songs from your own childhood
• Go for slow walks and name what you see
• Give parents a break so they can rest

• Teach a skill, like baking, fishing or sewing
• Tell stories about their parent as a child
• Go to their game, recital or school play
• Start a tradition just for the two of you

AARP found 7 in 10 grandparents make an effort to teach grandchildren about heritage they do not share, and a third have a grandchild of a different race or ethnicity.

Teens often value a calm adult who is not their parent. Show interest in their world, ask open questions and keep confidences, unless their safety is at risk.

In a long U.S. study, feeling close mattered more than how often grandparents and adult grandchildren were in touch. For grandparents, receiving help without also giving back was linked to more depressive symptoms.

Ways to keep it two-way

• Ask for their advice, about tech, music or life
• Share your wisdom when they ask
• Celebrate their milestones, like jobs and weddings
• Offer something back when they help you

• Learn their friends’ and teachers’ names
• Ask about the book, game or show they love right now
• Keep a note of upcoming tests, games and recitals
• Ask parents for a quick photo of everyday moments, not just big ones

• Record yourself reading a bedtime story
• Make a photo book about the family
• Share a recipe and cook it “together” on video
• Write letters about your own childhood

A kind message to a tired parent, a care package, or entertaining the kids on a video call while dinner gets made can mean a lot.

• Never speak badly of either parent in front of the grandchildren
• Keep routines and traditions going where you can
• Stay polite with your former son- or daughter-in-law, for the children’s sake
• Let the grandchildren talk about their feelings without fixing them

Being cut off from grandchildren, often because of conflict with an adult child or in-law, can feel like a living loss. It is okay to grieve.

Grandparent visitation laws differ from state to state, and courts give strong weight to fit parents’ wishes. A family lawyer can explain the law where you live.

Grandchildren may have a different race, faith, culture or identity from you. AARP found a majority of grandparents say they would support an LGBT grandchild.

A large review found that raising grandchildren full-time was linked to poorer health or wellbeing for grandparents in most studies, so support really matters.

Grandparent groups at libraries, faith communities and senior centers let you share the joys and puzzles of the role. Library story times are also a lovely outing with little ones.

The AmeriCorps Seniors Foster Grandparent Program is open to people aged 55 and older. Volunteers serve one-on-one as tutors and mentors to young people with special or exceptional needs.

The Eldercare Locator, a free U.S. government service, connects older adults and families with local services. Call or text 1-800-677-1116, or visit eldercare.acl.gov.

For grandparents and other relatives raising children, the U.S. Administration for Community Living shares tip sheets on accessing services, working with professionals and tax credits you may qualify for.