Finding more freedom, safely: small steps for women in restrictive settings

Some families can bend. Others react to change with threats or violence. Before you push for anything, take an honest look at how people around you have reacted to women’s choices in the past.

Talk to an expert before making changes if

• Anyone has hit you, threatened you, or said you could be hurt or killed
• Someone has been punished or disowned for similar choices
• There is talk of a trip abroad, or a marriage you don’t want
• Your phone, documents, money or wages have been taken
• Your phone, movements or social media are closely watched

If any of these are true, a helpline advocate can help you plan steps that keep you as safe as possible. Karma Nirvana says your details won’t be shared without your consent and the choice of what to do stays with you.

Even when outside choices are limited, your inner world is yours. What you believe about yourself, what you hope for and how you speak to yourself can change, quietly, without anyone’s permission.

Psychologists encourage helping women build a sense of personal power, so they can resist taking in messages that leave them feeling powerless.

Change is easier with someone on your side. Allies can be family members who quietly agree with you, or people outside the home who you can trust.

The World Bank found that women with a secondary education earn almost twice as much, on average, as women with no schooling. The World Bank also says secondary education for all girls could increase women’s say in household decisions and improve their psychological wellbeing.

Control is sometimes justified “in the name of” faith or tradition. But many faith leaders and scholars, in every major tradition, speak up for women’s dignity, education and safety.

The UN Population Fund has worked with hundreds of faith-based organisations around the world, and a global interfaith network it helped form set out to address violence against women and to advance rights with attention to women and young people.

In some families, change happens slowly through conversation. If your risk check suggests it is safe, these steps can make a talk go better.

A careful conversation

1. Pick one clear thing to ask for, not everything at once.
2. Choose a calm time and the person most likely to listen.
3. Start with what you share, such as love for the family or a value you both hold.
4. Explain how it would help you and the family.
5. Listen to their worries, and offer a small first step or a trial.
6. If it doesn’t go well, pause. You can try again later, or try a different ally.

Signs talking may work

• Disagreements end without threats or punishment
• Other women in the family have made changes
• Someone respected is on your side
• You feel safe saying no to small things

If you are facing threats, violence, forced marriage or honour-based abuse, family talks can make things more dangerous. UK government guidance says services should never set up family counselling, mediation or reconciliation in these cases.

The same guidance notes that people have been killed by their families during mediation, and that mediation can lead to more emotional and physical abuse.

Honour-based abuse is abuse carried out to “protect” the honour of a family or community. It is often done by several relatives at once, and can include coercive control, forced marriage and violence.

Karma Nirvana says the key sign is feeling shamed by your family or community for your beliefs or choices.

Examples

• Being criticised or threatened for clothes seen as “too Western”
• Being pressured to marry young or marry someone you didn’t choose
• Being questioned about virginity, or pressured into virginity tests
• Being shamed or threatened for dating, or for your sexuality
• Being taken out of school, kept at home, or having wages taken
• Being threatened or disowned for studying, working or living independently
• Being told divorce is dishonourable

Signs in someone else

• Depression, low self-esteem or self-harm
• Missing school or work, or a sudden drop in performance
• Seeming withdrawn, cut off or closely watched

You can reach out to think things through, to plan a safe next step, or because you’re struggling emotionally. You don’t need to be sure it’s “abuse”.

In the United States

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. Free, confidential, 24/7.

In the United Kingdom

• Karma Nirvana (honour-based abuse and forced marriage): 0800 5999 247, Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.
• National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): 0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours a day.
• Forced Marriage Unit: 020 7008 0151 (from abroad +44 20 7008 0151), weekdays 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Anywhere

• findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country.