Motherhood & losing yourself

Teenagers are expected to feel awkward and unsure while they grow into adults. Mothers are often expected to feel instantly confident and complete. The idea of matrescence says that feeling unsettled is a normal part of growing into a new role.

Athan asks whether matrescence is a single stage or something that keeps unfolding across a mother’s whole life. Many mothers say it is both: a big shift at the start, then more shifts as children grow.

Athan describes motherhood as two-sided. Lost sleep, lost time and lost freedom can sit right next to new strengths, like patience, a bigger heart and being able to live with uncertainty.

She warns that focusing only on the losses can make mothers feel that their failures outweigh what they are getting right. Noticing both sides gives a truer picture.

One reason Athan argues for the word matrescence is to help mothers and clinicians tell the normal growing pains of becoming a mother apart from conditions like depression that need care.

Many mothers say the hardest part is never being “off”. Even when someone else is with the children, your mind may still be running the household: meals, appointments, school forms, birthday gifts.

In a study of almost 400 U.S. mothers, about 9 in 10 felt solely responsible for organising family schedules, even though most had paid jobs. Carrying the job of noticing children’s emotional needs alone was linked to feeling empty.

Athan lists economic setbacks, such as the “motherhood wage penalty”, as part of matrescence. In 2023, mothers working full time in the U.S. earned a median of $1,063 a week, compared with $1,390 for fathers.

If work was a big part of who you were, stepping back, going part-time or being treated differently after a baby can feel like losing a piece of your identity, not just income.

Friends without children may not understand why you can’t go out. Friends with children may be just as stretched as you. Many mothers feel lonely even though they are almost never alone.

The U.S. Surgeon General’s 2024 advisory on parents reported that 65% of parents feel lonely.

Less time together, less sleep and unequal workloads can strain a couple. In a large study of mothers, being married did not by itself protect wellbeing. What mattered was the quality of the relationship.

Athan lists bodily and hormonal changes, and changes in the brain, among the parts of matrescence. Many mothers also feel their body is “not their own” for a while, with a baby or toddler always on them.

Music, sport, faith, travel, study, creativity: these often get pushed aside first because they seem optional. Over time, losing all of them at once can leave you feeling flat or empty.

Rest is not a reward you earn once everything is done. Everything is never done. Taking time to recharge helps you be the patient, present parent you want to be.

One belief linked to stress in the intensive mothering study was that mothers are naturally better at parenting than fathers.

When a partner, grandparent or friend does bath time “wrong”, try asking: is it unsafe, or just different? Letting go of control can give you real time back.

In a large U.S. survey, mothers were more likely than fathers to feel judged by people other than their partner, such as family, other parents and online groups.

Small ways to step out of comparison

• Mute accounts that leave you feeling “not enough”
• Notice who you feel judged by, and whose opinion really matters
• Remember that tidy photos rarely show the mess around them
• Spend more time with mothers who are honest about the hard parts

Athan describes a shift away from self-sacrifice towards “mutual interdependence”: a way of caring that includes both the mother and the child.

Eating a real meal, seeing a doctor, keeping a friendship or a hobby are not selfish. Children benefit from seeing a parent who is a whole person.

Feeling resentful does not make you a bad mother. It is often a signal that something is out of balance, like too little help, too little rest or too little time for you.

What can help

• Name the feeling without judging it
• Ask what it is pointing to: help, rest, fairness or time
• Share it with one safe person
• Make one small change, not a perfect plan

Anger is a common human response to exhaustion, noise, lack of support and feeling unheard. Many mothers feel deep shame afterwards.

Anger can also be a sign of depression. The CDC lists anger among possible signs of postpartum depression, along with crying more than usual and feeling distant from your baby.

In the moment

• Put the baby down safely and step away for a minute
• Breathe out slowly, longer than you breathe in
• Repair afterwards: “I’m sorry I shouted. I was overwhelmed, and it wasn’t your fault.”

This is one of the hardest feelings to say out loud. Having thoughts like this is not the same as not loving your children, and it does not mean you are a danger to them.

A therapist can be a safe, private place to talk about these feelings without judgment. Often, regret is mixed with grief for a life you imagined, or with a lack of support that could change.

Repeating the same tasks with little adult conversation can make days blur together. Feeling bored is not a failure of love. It is a sign your mind needs other kinds of food too.

This is often when mothers feel the most “touched out” and the least like themselves. It is also when friendships and routines change the fastest.

As children start school, some mothers suddenly have more time and feel unsure what to do with it. Others find the round of homework, clubs and driving fills every spare minute.

It can be a good time to ask: “What did I set aside that I want back?”

Mothers of middle schoolers in the Luthar study felt the least satisfied as parents and saw more difficult behaviour from their children. Researchers suggested mothers at this stage need support too, such as supportive groups of other moms.

Pulling away is a normal part of growing up. It can still sting, especially if being needed was a big part of who you were.

In the same study, mothers of adult children reported less overload and guilt, and their wellbeing stayed fairly high.

Most U.S. stay-at-home parents are mothers, and most say they stay home to care for their family.

Some mothers at home miss adult conversation, a paycheck of their own, or being seen for their skills. Others feel judged for “not working”. Your work at home counts.

Working mothers often carry a “second shift” at home on top of paid work. Time for yourself is usually the first thing to go.

Without a partner to share care, time for yourself can feel impossible. Building even a small circle of help, such as a neighbour, a friend or a family member, can make a big difference.

Mothers who did not give birth can go through the same identity changes, sometimes with extra questions from others about whether they are a “real” mother. You are.

Stepmothers may also feel unsure of their place, caring deeply while not always being seen as a parent.

Queer mothers may face forms, groups and comments that don’t fit their family. Finding parents with families like yours can ease that feeling of being on the outside.

When a child has a disability, illness or extra needs, appointments and advocacy can fill every spare moment. Many of these mothers say they lost not only time but whole careers and friendships.

Write down three things about you that have not changed since before you had children. They might be your laugh, your stubbornness, your love of music or the way you look after friends.

Waiting for a free weekend can mean waiting forever. Start smaller: a short walk alone, ten pages of a book, a phone call with a friend, a class once a week.

Ideas

• A morning coffee before anyone else is up
• A regular “swap” with another parent
• An evening class or club
• A walk with headphones and your own music

In a study of more than 2,000 mothers, feeling unconditionally accepted, being comforted when needed, having authentic relationships and being satisfied with friendships were the strongest supports for wellbeing. Seeing friends often enough was linked to every wellbeing outcome measured.

The study’s lead researcher noted that just as children need unconditional acceptance, so do the mothers who give it.

Hints are easy to miss. Clear, specific requests work better: “Can you take the kids on Saturday morning so I can go to the pool?”

Try talking to yourself the way you would talk to a close friend who was struggling. Being kind to yourself is not letting yourself off the hook. It helps you keep going.

Patience, advocacy, multitasking, fierce love, living with uncertainty: many mothers grow in ways they did not expect. These are part of who you are now.

Some mothers find new interests or careers grow out of their parenting experience. Others simply feel more sure of what matters to them.

Taking full ownership of whole jobs, like school forms, medical appointments or meal planning, takes more weight off than “helping” when asked. Carrying the job of noticing children’s needs alone was linked to mothers feeling empty.

Things you can do

• Ask, “What do you miss doing?” and then make time for it
• Plan regular time off for her that she does not have to arrange
• Notice and say out loud what she does
• Take over a whole job for good, not just for a week

Ask about her, not only about the children. Invite her to things even if she often has to say no. Offer specific help, like a meal or an afternoon of childcare.

Be careful with judgment. Many mothers feel judged by their own parents, in-laws and other parents.

Researchers studying mothers’ wellbeing have suggested mutually supportive groups for moms as a way to help. Hearing other mothers say “me too” can ease shame and loneliness.

Places to look

• Faith or cultural community groups
• Libraries and community centres
• Online groups that feel kind, not competitive
• Parent groups at your child’s school or daycare

Flexible hours, fair chances at promotion after leave, and leaders who model taking time for family can all help mothers stay connected to work they value.