Loneliness, connection & your brain

In a well-known 2003 brain-scan study, people played a simple online ball-tossing game and were then left out by the other players. A brain area linked to the distress of physical pain became more active, and more so in people who felt more upset.

Scientists still debate how closely social pain and physical pain overlap. But the study helped show that the sting of being left out is real, not “just in your head”.

In a 2006 study, married women waited for a possible mild shock while lying in a brain scanner. When they held their husband’s hand, brain systems that respond to threat were much less active.

Holding a stranger’s hand helped a little too. The calming effect was strongest for women in the most satisfying relationships.

Physical contact, from hand-holding to hugs, can trigger hormones and brain chemicals that make us feel good and have other benefits for the body.

Touch only helps when it’s welcome. Everyone has different comfort levels, and a kind word or shared laugh can bring closeness too.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University found that people with a lot of conflict in their lives and little support were much more likely to get sick when exposed to a cold virus. Those with a lot of conflict but strong support seemed protected.

People who reported more frequent hugs were also less likely to get an infection after exposure.

In NIH-funded studies, couples who were hostile during disagreements had bigger spikes in stress hormones and inflammation. Small wounds even healed more slowly.

Couples who disagreed but stayed respectful, or found humour in it, did much better. It’s not about never disagreeing. It’s about how you disagree.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed people since 1938. People most satisfied in their relationships at 50 were the healthiest at 80.

The researchers say good relationships protect the brain too. Women who felt securely attached to their partners had better memory than those in relationships with frequent conflict.

WHO says loneliness and social isolation increase the risk of cognitive decline. The U.S. Surgeon General reported that chronic loneliness and isolation can raise the risk of dementia in older adults by about 50%.

The 2024 Lancet Commission lists social isolation in later life as one of 14 risk factors for dementia that people and communities can work on.

WHO reports that people who are lonely are twice as likely to become depressed. Low mood can also make it harder to reach out, which can deepen loneliness.

Long-term loneliness explores this loop and small steps out of it.

WHO found that lonely teenagers were 22% more likely to get lower grades or qualifications than those who weren’t lonely.

A review of 148 studies with over 300,000 people found that those with stronger social relationships had about 1.5 times the odds of survival. The authors compared the size of this effect to quitting smoking.

These studies show links, not proof of cause. But together they point the same way.

An NIA-funded study of more than 7,000 adults age 65 and older found that high social engagement, like visiting neighbours and volunteering, went along with better cognitive health in later life.

In a trial of almost 200 adults age 75 and older, regular internet video calls could help lower the risk of cognitive decline and social isolation.

Video calls don’t replace being together, but they can help when distance, health or weather keep people apart. Don’t rely only on texting or social media.

In one study, older adults who learned quilting or digital photography had more memory improvement than those who only socialised.

A class, club or choir combines both. See Lifelong learning & brain health for more.

In studies by Canadian researchers, people felt happier and more like they belonged on days when they talked with more acquaintances than usual, such as classmates or familiar faces.

Small moments to try

• Ask a neighbour how their week is going
• Chat with the person who makes your coffee
• Learn the name of your bus driver or mail carrier
• Say hello to other dog walkers
• Thank someone by name

People with more diverse social networks, meaning more types of connections, were less likely to catch a cold after exposure. They also tended to have healthier habits and more positive emotions.

In the big review of 148 studies, being well woven into many parts of social life showed the strongest link to survival. Simply living with someone or alone showed the weakest link.

Good relationships build a sense of belonging and self-worth, and offer emotional support. How connected you feel matters more than how many people you know.

If you feel lonely even with people around, see Loneliness: understanding it.

The NHS lists giving to others as one of five steps to better mental wellbeing, alongside connecting with people, being active and learning new skills.

Ideas

• Help a neighbour with shopping or a lift
• Serve meals or sort donations for people in need
• Teach a skill you love to someone younger
• Volunteer at a library, school, hospital or animal shelter

NIA says older adults who take part in hobbies and social activities may have a lower risk of some health problems, including dementia, heart disease and stroke. They also tend to say they feel happier and healthier.

After a big life change like retirement, finding new purpose can take time. See Retirement & purpose.

Everyone has different limits. Start with one or two activities and see how you feel. You can always add more.

Between 17% and 21% of people ages 13 to 29 report feeling lonely, with the highest rates in the teenage years.

Clubs, sports, faith groups, part-time work and volunteering can all help young people find their people.

See Loneliness at every age & stage for more on each life stage.

Simple habits help: share a meal with family, have lunch with a co-worker, or set a regular call with a friend who lives far away.

For friendship ideas aimed at men, see Men’s friendships & connection.

Spending more time at home alone can raise feelings of depression or anxiety. Meaningful activities and time with others help.

The Eldercare Locator (call or text 1-800-677-1116, or visit eldercare.acl.gov) can connect you to local services for older adults and families, including Area Agencies on Aging.

See Loneliness & loss in later life for more.

Hearing loss can make people pull back from conversation and social life. Treating it can make it easier to stay connected.

See Deaf & hard of hearing and Protect your brain for life for more.

Start with low-pressure settings, like an activity where you sit side by side. See Building social confidence for step-by-step ideas.

There are more and more groups that meet online, so you can connect from home with people who share your interests or get support.

Video and voice calls feel more personal than scrolling. Try to mix in-person time where you can.

• Community gardens
• Community and senior centres
• Faith communities
• Hobby groups, like knitting, hiking, birdwatching or painting
• Libraries, which often host clubs and classes
• Local choirs, bands or theatre groups
• Volunteer groups

• Check on a neighbour who lives alone
• Introduce two people who share an interest
• Invite a newcomer to sit with you
• Start a regular walk, game night or potluck

If someone you care about seems isolated, Long-term loneliness has ideas for supporting them.

Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline and talk with a trained crisis counselor, 24/7. You can also call just to talk.

Text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Text Line counselor, 24/7.

The Eldercare Locator is a free public service of the U.S. Administration for Community Living. It connects older adults and families to local services. Call or text 1-800-677-1116, or visit eldercare.acl.gov.

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country. If you are in danger, call your local emergency number.